


I only had eyes for you

by SuperEllen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Introspection, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki centric, Loki is touch-starved, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self-Pity, Thor feels too, a little fluff at some point, after this trip in Loki’s thoughts you’ll suffer with him, but after all that's why we love them, but then it gets lost in the angst, emotional hurt without much comfort, no happy ending, pre/during-Avengers, pre/during-Thor, pre/during-Thor: The Dark World, sort of, they might be gods but they're still morons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 12:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8286200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperEllen/pseuds/SuperEllen
Summary: Everything that Loki wanted was to be acknowledged. He wanted his father and everyone else to look at him the way they looked at Thor. He didn't realize that someone was already looking at him that way.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing something in the Marvel universe. I really hope this doesn’t suck. I wanted to start with some Stucky, but today I watched both Thor movies again and I just felt the need to write down something about Loki and his inner sufferings.
> 
> English is not my first language and I didn’t use a beta reader, so if you see any big mistakes please let me know. There is a limit to the editing I can do on my own.

The feast was big and loud. Everyone was celebrating the return of the group of heroes who defeated yet another enemy of Asgard. Peace was certain, the people had been saved once again. And the Mighty Thor was the center of attention. As always, of course.

Sitting beside his mother, Loki looked at Thor with jealousy and longing. His brother had always been their father’s favorite, that much he knew. But lately he’d started to realize that Odin wasn’t the only one to treat them so differently. Every Asgardian admired Thor, his power, his courage. He was the heir to the throne, the great warrior, the hero.

And what about Loki? Not a living soul was even looking at him. And he couldn’t understand why. Why was everyone only paying attention to his brother? Why couldn’t they look at _him_ for once? _He_ was the one who always used magic to save everyone! Yet, Thor was the hero and he was nothing more than his brother’s shadow.

 _With magic comes a big burden_ , his mother once told him. She said that people couldn’t really understand the source of his powers, and that was the reason why they couldn’t comprehend how much he really helped his brother complete his tasks. But Thor used brute force, and that was something everyone could understand, and that was the reason why he was beloved by all of Asgard. Odin was incredibly similar to Thor, and that was the reason why he chose the elder son to be his heir.

Deep down Loki knew his mother was trying to help him by explaining to him how things worked. But instead of alleviating his sufferings, her words made everything worse.

He still felt alone. He still was in pain. And all of that only made him angrier. Angry to the point that he decided to act on his anger. He felt ready to do something stupid, in the hope to change things.

That was the reason why he helped the Frost Giants enter Asgard. He ruined Thor’s big day on purpose, so that his brother could feel the need to do something about it himself. His intention was, of course, to convince Thor that acting against Laufey and his people was the right thing to do. All so that he could make sure Odin found out about the act of war and interrupted the fight, punishing Thor for what he did.

Everything was going according to his plan. When his father entered the Odinsleep, all that Loki had to do was to simply act as king. He tricked Laufey in thinking that he was ready to give him the Casket, while in reality he protected Asgard with everything he got. It was never his intention to let his father or his kingdom get hurt.

But in the end, everyone hated him for what he’d done. All he wanted was to be noticed, to be appreciated, to be the hero for once. And instead everyone blamed him for everything bad that was happening, starting with Thor. And Odin, of course. Hypocrites.

Just before Odin slipped into the deep Odinsleep, he’d confessed to Loki that he wasn’t really his son. Loki was in fact Laufey’s son, that the king of Asgard had decided to take as his own instead of letting him die. That was a lot to digest. In just a few minutes Loki had found out that his entire life had been a lie, that he had in fact been born to be king, but that he could never be king of Asgard. Of course.

But notwithstanding the information he received, Loki still wasn’t evil, he was just desperate. Desperate to be noticed and appreciated even a little. All that mattered to him was to receive Odin’s approval. And yet he still didn’t have it. That was the reason why, with Odin holding Thor and Thor holding him over the nothingness of space, Loki decided to let go. He couldn’t bear anymore to receive that look of disapproval from the man that really _wasn’t_ his father, but that he still loved as such. What he couldn’t imagine, the moment he decided to let go, was the look in Thor’s eyes.

He was pretty sure that nothing in his entire existence could ever cancel from his mind the memory of how his brother’s face changed the moment he let go and started to fall. Of course it was just an act, a very good one, because what else could it be? Thor seemed beyond himself with desperation, and that actually wasn’t possible. Because Thor didn’t care that much about Loki, did he?

****

Loki never revealed to anyone how he actually managed to survive that fall. Of course he’d used one his tricks, some of that magic that no-one could understand and everyone feared. That was the reason why it was impossible for anyone for predict his return. It was obvious that he was dead. Dead, yet not mourned. Except from his mother, who’d always loved him as much as she loved her real son, maybe even more.

And Thor? Loki had been spying on his brother for some time, and what he found out was stupid and impossible at the same time. Of course there had to be some kind of mistake. Because Thor still seemed devastated by his presumed death, and it didn’t make any sense. Thor was Odin’s favorite, the future king of Asgard, the beloved hero. Why would he waste any time thinking about his outcast adopted brother?

Thinking about Thor only made things worse. It only made Loki want revenge even more. His presumed family abandoned him, made him feel bad about himself and about the world. They were going to pay. He was born to be king, after all. And if he couldn’t have Asgard, he would have conquered another realm. The weakest one of all, the one that needed him more. That was the reason why he decided to invade and conquer Earth.

After all, Earth was the place where Jane Foster lived. Thor’s big love. The mortal who was able to steal his brother’s heart. She was all Thor was able to think about. Therefore hurting her stupid inferior Earth was the perfect way to get back at Thor for the way he made Loki feel throughout the entire situation.

How dared Thor fall in love with a mortal? Loki had tried more than once to tell him it was useless, because her life was fleeting confronted to his. And yet his brother still fell for that woman. He didn’t even notice how that hurt Loki, because of course no-one was ever paying attention to how he was feeling. That was the reason why no-one ever realized that Loki had been stupid enough to spend most of his life uselessly pining after his brother.

After all why shouldn’t he? Thor was everything he wanted to be, he had everything Loki wanted to have. Their father’s favorite, a great warrior respected and loved by the people of Asgard. He was strong and handsome, the rightful owner of Mjolnir. How could Loki not feel an ache in his heart every time he looked upon his brother? Thor was _everything_. And he, on the other hand, was nothing.

Loki thought that subjugating Earth was everything he needed in order to feel better. For that reason he promised the Chitauri that he would have retrieved the Tesseract and given it to them in exchange for an army to use to conquer Earth. He had the entire invasion planned, in a way that nothing could go wrong. But then of course Thor showed up, and everything went to hell. He got beat up by the very same green monster he wanted to use against the people who were trying to stop him, and in the end he was captured for good.

If he stopped to think about what happened, he still couldn’t think about a valid reason for his plan to have failed. His plan was _perfect_. And yet he lost. The Chitauri were stopped, their army destroyed, Earth was saved and he was captured. Then Thor received the Tesseract, so he could bring it to Asgard for safekeeping. Loki could only feel more humiliated when, in chains, he left Earth with his brother to go back to the realm where he was raised.

****

And then, of course, he ended up in prison. His father was ashamed of him, but at that point in time Loki didn’t care about his approval anymore. He just wanted to see Odin suffer, because he deserved as much. It was time someone taught the king what his place was! He still wanted for Thor to notice him, but by then he’d already realized it was a lost cause. He was just a shell of his former self, rotting away in the dungeons alone.

His mother was the only one who still cared about Loki. She wasn’t allowed to visit him in person, but she used magic to send an illusion of herself to keep him company every time she could. Loki still felt alone and abandoned, but he still had his mother to keep him from going insane. Or at least she was doing her best to help him. Because he was longing for physical contact, for the possibility to touch someone other than himself. More than once he tried to touch his mother when she visited him, but his hand went right through her body, dissolving the illusion.

“I feel like I’m dying in here! I need to touch another living being, just to be sure that I’m alive myself!” he yelled one day, pulling at the fabric of his own clothes like a madman.

Frigga looked at him with pity and concern. Loki knew she wanted to hug him, to give him that contact he was craving, but she wasn’t really there. And she couldn’t be, because Odin had forbidden her to enter the dungeons. Even if he was slowly going out of his mind, Loki knew that all his mother wanted to do was help him feel better.

“You know I can’t come to you.” she said after a long silence “But I can talk to Thor. He misses you a lot, he can come to visit you. Seeing him can ground you, preventing you from slipping away.”

Hearing his mother’s words, Loki couldn’t stop himself from laughing. Thor had never come to visit him since he was imprisoned. Not once. What made her think that he was willing to help Loki now? Loki was certain that his brother had already forgotten all about him. All he cared about was that mortal, and to find a way to go back to her.

“He won’t come. He doesn’t understand me anymore, so now he fears me.” he said after a while, making his mother sigh.

He wanted nothing more than a visit from Thor, but he was still realistic: his brother wanted nothing to do with him. It hurt to think about it, but it was still reality and he couldn’t do anything about it. Thor didn’t want to see him, and that was certain. Otherwise he wouldn’t have spent so much time away from him. His brother never came to see him while he was in prison, not even once. To Loki, it was clear enough that Thor didn’t want to spend time with his brother.

“We’ll see.” Frigga replied, and then a moment later she was gone, illusion dissolved in the air.

Loki shook his head and sighed. He didn’t want to believe his mother’s words. He didn’t want to think about Thor coming to see him, just to have his hopes smashed by his brother once again. Thor wasn’t coming, and that was the end of it. His mother was _wrong_. For as much as Loki loved her, he’d realized a long time ago that even Frigga couldn’t always be right.

He needed to stop thinking about that conversation, so he sat on the floor and started to read. His mother kept sending him books, so he could at least have something to do. And it was a good thing, because reading helped him keep most of his time occupied. So he didn’t notice that several hours had passed since his conversation with his mother.

“Guards, leave us.” said a deep and strong voice in the distance, somewhere in the dungeons. Loki was so concentrated in his reading that he didn’t even notice what was happening.

He didn’t care about the footsteps echoing in the corridor right outside his cell. It was a guard, he thought. At first he didn’t connect the footsteps with the distant voice he’d heard before, asking the guards to leave. Not until the footsteps stopped in front of his cell. At that point he realized that something was different that usual. So he stopped reading, but he kept staring at the book while he concentrated on what was happening around him.

“Hey, brother.”

Loki froze. He could expect anything, _anything_ , except for this. He raised his head, to see if Thor was really there. And he was, standing just outside the cell, a hand on the wall in the corner of the cell and a light smile on his face. Loki couldn’t stop staring at him, eyes wide open and mouth sealed shut, heartbeat a little too fast.

Was that an illusion? Was it one of his mother’s tricks? No, his mother loved him, she couldn’t have done something to hurt him that much. It only meant one thing: he might have created the illusion of Thor himself. He’d started to involuntarily hurt himself. That was proof enough that he had finally lost what remained of his mind.

Loki shook his head, smiling to himself. Then he returned his attention to the book in his hands. “My mind is playing tricks. You’re not really here.” he said, his voice calm.

He was able to read just a few words before he felt the field force on one side of his cell disappear. He raised his head again, and the force field was back in place. With Thor inside. There was a troubled look on his brother’s face. Funny. His mind was really playing some strange tricks on him.

“After all that happened on Earth, we never had time to talk.” Thor said, and all Loki could do was to look at him, puzzled.

That illusion of Thor was standing right in front of him, and it had no intention of disappearing. So all Loki could do was to run with it. The man inside the cell with him wasn’t really his brother, he was just a trick of his mind, but he was _there_. And there were so many things that Loki had always wanted to tell Thor, so why let the opportunity go to waste? He had the chance to lift a weight off his soul.

“Talk, then.” he finally said, standing up and pacing around the cell.

He did his best to avoid Thor’s gaze, because he was afraid that looking into his eyes could make it too obvious that he wasn’t real. And after all that time, Loki wanted to believe for just a few minutes that his brother was real and that he was there for him.

“I still don’t understand why you did all this. Why you tried to kill me in order to be king of Asgard, why you tried to conquer Earth. I can’t believe it’s just because you want so much to be king of something. Father says it’s just because you’re evil, but I don’t believe it. I _can’t_ believe it.” Thor said.

Loki stopped pacing, looking at the illusion of his brother for a moment too long. He seemed so real… Good. It meant that he wasn’t going to hesitate, that he could really tell this illusion everything he wanted to say to the real Thor.

“I don’t know if I’m so far gone to be considered evil. But I can assure you that I wasn’t when it all started. It’s because of Odin if I became like this. When he told me he wasn’t my real father, I really didn’t care. I still considered him my father, and all I wanted to do was to please him. I wanted nothing more than to have him acknowledge me the way he did with you. But he never did.” Loki paused his monologue, starting to pace around the cell again.

“All I wanted was a little attention, you know? But you had all of it. I just wanted someone, anyone, to look at me the way everyone was looking at you. But the more I tried to get some attention, the more people slipped away from me. You will never understand how much it hurt!” he almost yelled, his right hand clutching at the shirt covering his chest, stopping again from pacing.

He wanted to add that Thor was the one whose attention he craved the most, but it would have been too much. He knew that the Thor in front of him wasn’t the real one, but the illusion was so perfect that he felt real, so Loki couldn’t bring himself to reveal the darkest secret of his soul. He couldn’t admit that his entire life he’d loved his brother more than he should have.

“Brother, you didn’t have to do this to be acknowledged. People loved you already.” Thor tried to make him see reason.

“Only mother loved me. She’s always been the only one. For everyone else, it was like I didn’t even exist. Don’t think I didn’t notice. The more I looked at people, the more I realized they never looked at me.” Loki corrected him, ignoring the hurt look that appeared on his brother’s face.

“Maybe this is the problem.” the other man replied, shaking his head a little “You were so busy looking at everybody else that you couldn’t see I only had eyes for you. I could never stop looking at how great you were, before you ruined everything.”

At those words, Loki couldn’t do anything more than laugh. Hearing those words was hurting him more than he could ever think it was possible. Thor was just an illusion he created, so of course he was saying everything Loki wanted to hear. His brother only had eyes for him… sure! Growing up he only had eyes for Sif, and after that came the mortal woman. That was the truth.

“You know, I really wish that what you said was true.” he admitted in a moment of weakness. Oh yes, he really wished for that to be true.

“Loki…” Thor whispered, stepping closer.

Thor raised a hand, trying to cup his brother’s cheek. Loki looked terrified at that, taking a couple of steps back until his shoulders hit the wall behind him. He couldn’t let Thor touch him. He craved that touch more than anything else in the world, even more than his own freedom, but he couldn’t let it happen. If his brother tried to touch him, the hand would have gone right trough his face, and the illusion would have disappeared. And in that precise moment Loki didn’t want to think the Thor in front of him was just an illusion. He wanted him to be real, and the only thing he could do to keep thinking that was to prevent his brother from touching him.

He tried to get further away, but he had nowhere left to go. He was cornered, and Thor was getting closer, a sad smile on his face. His brother’s hand was just a few inches away, and Loki closed his eyes, certain that the moment he opened them back there would have been no Thor in his cell. So it was a huge shock when he felt his brother’s hand on his cheek. The heat of Thor’s hand was radiating through his skin, turning Loki’s face a little pinker.

Loki’s eyes opened wide, and he didn’t even realize he was panting. His heart was beating so fast he thought it was about to break his chest. Thor was there, in his cell, with him, touching him. He wasn’t an illusion, he was _real_. And all Loki could do was to lose himself in that touch.

Without even thinking about what he was doing, he hugged his brother’s waist and buried his face against Thor’s left shoulder. A moment later strong arms were wrapped around his shoulders, holding him tight. That was the first touch he’d received in months. He knew he needed some contact, but he couldn’t even realize how much he craved it until he found himself in Thor’s arms.

Thor had been the first person he’d touched in a very long time, and Loki was certain that he was also going to be the last. After all it wasn’t easy to sneak inside his cell to spend time with him, and probably Odin was going to ban Thor from the dungeons too once he received word of what was happening. Thor had endangered himself and all of Asgard by entering Loki’s cell without permission. Of course Odin wasn’t going to let that happen again.

So Loki tried his best to take as much as he could from the situation. He held his brother so tightly that they both could barely breathe. He was never going to let go. Ever.

“You’re real. I can’t believe you’re really here.” he muttered, Thor’s clothes muffling the sound.

“I never gave up on you. I always thought that you were still in there somewhere, and I was right. Thank you for coming back to me, brother.” Thor murmured in reply.

“Stop calling me brother. I’m not your brother.” Loki snarled, apparently out of nowhere.

Thor’s right hand settled behind Loki’s neck and grabbed him gently, pulling a little so that he could raise his brother’s head enough to look him in the eyes.

“I don’t care where you come from. You will _always_ be my brother.” Thor said, a resolute look on his face.

And then, in Loki’s mind, something unraveled. That was it. The end of everything. Either he accepted Thor as his brother, knowing that he was never going to see him again, or Loki could have told the truth, shielding himself behind the fact that he was not going to see Thor ever again. 

His own feelings were strong and difficult to accept even for him. How could he spend the rest of his life locked in a little cell alone with those feelings? That was his chance, his only chance, to confess them all. That was why he decided to go with it. He inhaled, trying not to think about how close his face was to Thor’s in that precise moment.

“That’s not enough for me. I don’t want to be your brother. I don’t want to be _just_ your brother.” Loki whispered, and then he leaned forward just a little. His lips brushed lightly against Thor’s before Loki pulled back holding his breath.

Thor’s eyebrows raised so high that they almost got lost over the line of his hair. He looked speechless, for once in his life. Loki was terrified. There was nothing more he could do to show Thor how he felt. He was just hoping for the best. In any case, by the way, that was the last time he was ever going to see Thor, so it really didn’t make much of a difference.

“Loki…” Thor was able to say after a while, blue eyes wild with emotion “You too-?”

Loki’s heart started beating so hard it sounded like a concert of drums. What did that mean? Thor said _you too_ in a way that made it look like Loki wasn’t the only one having inappropriate feelings for the man who was supposed to be his brother.

“Thor, what doest it-“ Loki started, but he could never finish his question, because Thor’s lips were on his own.

Before Loki could even understand what was happening, Thor was pinning him against the wall with his own body, kissing him with hunger, exploring his mouth voraciously with tongue and teeth. And it felt so perfect, so _right_ , that all Loki could do was to kiss him back with equal passion, burying his hands in beautiful golden hair.

He moaned against Thor’s mouth, and in response his brother groaned. The moment was just overwhelming, better than anything Loki ever pictured in his head.

“I can’t believe you really want this. Me.” Loki said in between kisses full of desire and want.

“I had to be stupid not to want you.” Thor replied, short of breath.

They went on kissing for a long time, yet for them it felt like it was never enough. How could they put all the feelings they’ve ever had for each other and those they’ll have in the future in a single make out session? Loki wanted to do something more, to tell Thor how much he loved him. But he didn’t. Talking about his feelings would have made everything worse. Especially since he already felt lucky for what he had, and he didn’t want to risk losing it too soon.

But he was sure that his brother could understand exactly how Loki felt by the way he was kissing him. And at the same time, Loki could understand Thor’s feelings too. They’d been so stupid, both of them! Had they only confessed those feelings before, he would have never felt the need to become a criminal, he would have never ended up in that cell in the first place.

Loki had never spent much time trying to picture what being in Valhalla was like, but in that moment he thought he could imagine it. Thor’s lips on his, that muscled body pressing his own against the wall. _That_ was what Valhalla felt like. Pure perfection. But like every good thing in life, at some point it had to end.

Fast, heavy footsteps echoed in the dungeons. Thor was quick enough to part from Loki right before Odin entered their field of view, followed by several guards. He looked beyond furious. Loki was already in prison, so what else could happen to him? His worry, instead, was for Thor. He didn’t want his brother to be punished because of what they just shared. But there was nothing he could do about it.

“Thor! Get out of there, now!” Odin shouted, and Thor lowered his head in penance, his smile just a memory of the past.

It was unfair. Loki wanted to destroy the king for the way he made Thor feel. Without even thinking of the consequences, Loki grabbed Thor’s hand and tried to give him a reassuring smile. Of course Odin didn’t appreciate the gesture.

“Leave your brother’s cell now! We need to talk, son!” the king of Asgard yelled again, and that time Thor sighed and turned to face Loki.

“I’ll come back to you. I promise.” he said, one hand still holding Loki’s and the other surging to reach the back of his brother’s neck.

Thor pushed Loki’s head a little further, just enough to kiss his forehead. And then he turned around and left the cell, walking towards his raging father. Loki remained in there alone, one arm still outstretched in the hope to grab Thor’s hand again, longing and sadness on his face. He didn’t say a single word, just staid there looking at Thor marching out of the dungeon behind is father, eyes staring at his feet.

Once he was alone again, Loki sat back down on the floor and brought the fingers of his right hand to touch his lips. Lips that still tasted of Thor. His brother promised he’d come back. He promised. Did it mean that he was going to see him again? He _promised_ after all! So Loki waited for him. He waited for a long time, and Thor never came.

****

The next time he saw Thor was after their mother died. His brother broke him out of that dungeon cell so he could help saving Jane Foster. _Jane Foster_ , of all people! Thor said he was giving his brother the opportunity avenge their mother, and at first Loki was tempted to say no. After what he shared with Thor, he thought his brother loved him too, but of course he was just fooling himself. All Thor cared about was that mortal woman, especially after being reunited with her.

His mother was the only person who ever really understood him. His mother really loved him, she never stopped trying to help him even after he ended up in that cell. So it was for her that he agreed to help Thor, only for her. He was going to avenge his mother’s death, and then he was going to disappear. No more cell in the dungeons, no more Asgard, no more Thor. So he left with his brother, with the intention of being a complete ass about everything the entire time.

He didn’t know that, after they kissed, Thor had not been able to think about anything else for weeks. He didn’t know that his brother was so happy when he saw Jane again that it took him a whole day to realize that she wasn’t the one he wanted. He didn’t know that Thor really wanted to save Jane even if he didn’t want to be with her. He didn’t know that his brother couldn’t wait for everything to be over so he could spend some time alone with him. Loki had no idea that the man he loved returned his feelings.

So he did exactly what he thought about. He’d been an ass the entire time, and then he faked his death again to escape. But he had no way to know how much Thor had cried over his death.


End file.
